Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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