It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Randomize
