doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I think people are normalizing furries
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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