Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
