My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
