I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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