Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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