Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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