so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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