I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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