Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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