I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Ikea night.
?
Insert tab A into swedish slot B
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
