this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Barsexuality is the new black.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
