I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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