I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
