if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
