it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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