Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
this is an emotional support booty call
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
