Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
