No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Drunk is a universal language darling
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
