Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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