New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
