Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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