you have to choose: penises or morals?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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