2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
