Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
