I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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