i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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