Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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