Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Randomize
