I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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