I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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