She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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