Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
