I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
