when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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