Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
