I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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