we made out on top of his cat.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
I would ride that face into the sunset
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
