I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
