my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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