this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
