i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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