her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
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