so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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