Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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