six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
where does the pee come out of this thing
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
