ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
