just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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