I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
