i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
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